


I still hear that call

by Ephemera_pop (Alex_Draven)



Category: Popslash
Genre: Break Up, Challenge Response, Writing Exercise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-27
Updated: 2005-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-19 14:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10641984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_Draven/pseuds/Ephemera_pop
Summary: He used to try so hard to police his feelings, saying the right things, creating a good impression, but that all takes effort, and he doesn't really care any more. Not enough to keep on lying to himself, anyway. Yes it's hypocritical, yes it's shallow, yes he's been sick with fucking envy and yes, sometimes, he hates Justin. It's taken him a very long time to be able to say that, even to himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written in response to the [ first SkyPie challenge](http://sky-pie.livejournal.com/701.html)

My lyric is from New Model Army's Green and Grey : the whole album is intimately embedded into my life, and to some degree the choice of actual lines was pretty arbitrary

_For God's sake don't you realise that I still hear that call_  
Do you think you're so brave just to go running to that which beckons to us all?  
And tomorrow brings another train, another young brave steals away 

When I hit the link I really wished I'd picked

 _No, not for one second did you look behind you_  
As you were walking away  
Never once did you wish any of us well  
Those who had chosen to stay  
And if that's what it takes to make it  
In the place that you live today  
Then I guess you'll never read these letters that I send  
From the valleys of the green and the grey

because there's a harsh nasty Justin story waiting in that.

And it had to be Justin. I can respect the guy, and I can see why he's far higher on other people's lists, but at the end of the day, he's [#5](http://www.livejournal.com/rsearch/?tags=%235) on mine. It's not his fault he's in a group with four guys I just love more.

Except I think I might have cheated : what I actually wrote the first time is 100 words of Chris.

*****

When it was over; when they were all gone and there was a door hard against his back and nothing to listen to but the ringing in his ears, Chris let himself smile. He wasn't really surprised that Justin had punched him, and his cheek was going to hurt like a motherfucker, but right now, with a door hard against his back and the future wide open in front of him, nothing was going to take away from the fact that he'd finally said it. He could still taste the words in his mouth over the blood tang. It's over.

*****

I like the idea of it not being Justin who's walked away, and the Chris in my head here is nasty and sharp and would never admit that he kinda hates Justin for the look he sometimes sees in Lance's eyes … which really *isn't* a Justin story. So I stopped, and tried something else.

*****

Lance knows it's wrong of him, it's just that he doesn't really care any more. He used to try so hard to police his feelings, saying the right things, creating a good impression, but that all takes effort, and he doesn't really care any more. Not enough to keep on lying to himself, anyway. Yes it's hypocritical, yes it's shallow, yes he's been sick with fucking envy and yes, sometimes, he hates Justin. It's taken him a very long time to be able to say that, even to himself.

It's taken him nearly twelve years to be able to say that to Justin himself, and Lance still knows, deep down, that it's wrong, and he shouldn't feel that way, but the sight of their erstwhile golden boy picking up the reins and everyone else just falling into place turned his stomach and filled his mouth with bile and anger, and it isn’t that he doesn't want to, it's that he does. He wants it so much it makes him crazy, that when he wants he has to just want and wait and mark time and wear himself out wanting, and when Justin wants, it happens.

He had thought it would be easier than this to walk away.

Knowing the tabloid history that brought Justin around to wanting his old life back, knowing that he should be feeling sympathy, doesn't help at all. It just makes him think that he should care, and wonder how badly broken he must be somewhere inside that when he's offered the chance he's been wanting so hard for so long, he’ll turn it down for anger and bitterness and spite.

Or he’ll try to turn it down. For some reason the rest of them won’t let him leave.

There are messages on his phone every time he switches it on. In his email, at his house, in hotel rooms he never told any of them he'd booked in to. He stumbled out of Caritas one night to find JC sitting cross legged on the bonnet of Lance's car in VIP parking. He opened the gates yesterday for his trainer's car and found Chris stepping out of the passenger side when Lance reached his porch.

He hasn't left his house all day, darkly certain that it's only a matter of time before Justin turns up with Joey's daughters in his arms, and Lance is dimly aware that he's not good enough at this hard shell stuff to face them down and say no a few more times. Not without letting Uncle Jus see exactly where he's hurting, and Lance doesn't want to think about what might happen then. He doesn't really want to think. He doesn't want to care.

*****

Which is *still* not Justin, is it? Nor can I write Lance POV particularly. Ho hum. It was kind of fun trying though.

Crit absolutely welcome : fallen upon with glee, in fact.


End file.
